Idiots Part1

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH

1.I'm hungry = I'm hungry
2.I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
3.I'm tired = I'm tired
4.Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5.I love you = Let's have sex now
6.I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
7.What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
8.I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
9.May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
10.Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually ike to have sex with you
11.Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
12. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
13.Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys
14.You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in
the next ten minutes
15.Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
16.I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Is my ass fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
9. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
10. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
11. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
12. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
13. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
14. You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
15. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
16. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
17. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
18. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
19. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not
going to like

One day, a boy named Tom got on a very crowded bus.
Sitting opposite him was a fat lady who said:
-If you were a polite young man, you'd et someone sit down.
-If you were a polite lady..., replied Tom , ...you'd let FOUR people sit down!

You are Indian if...

You are Indian if...

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like, tshick, tshick, tschick, tschick.
4. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
5. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think its normal.
6. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark up.
7. You recycle Wedding Gifts.
8. You name your children in rhythms (example, Honey & Money, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam.)
9. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
10. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"
11. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
12. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
13. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
14. Your parents tell you to not care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles And Aunties" will think.
15. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions, which never happen.
16. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
17. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
18. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
19. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars,varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).
20. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
21. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
22. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
23. You majored in engineering, medicine or law and now........are after Software and only Software no matter which field you belong to.
24. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer it that way).
25. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
26. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
27. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
28. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus,train or plane.
29. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
30. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
31. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
32. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."
33. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
34. Your parents don't realise phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
35. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them away from getting dirty.
36. When dining out, you think Rs 10 is enough of a tip.
37. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
38. You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.
39. You treat the NRI persons (especially from America) as if they are the only persons living in this world (including YOU).
40. You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.
41. All your tupperware is stained with food color.
42. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
43. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
44. You have really enjoyed reading this mail.

Before and after love

Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating

Before - Twice a night
After- Twice a month

Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After- She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

Before - Don't stop
After- Don't start

Before - We agree on everythin
After- Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before- Charming and Noble
After- Chernobyl

Before- Idol
After- Idle

Before- I love a woman with curves
After- I never said you were fat

Before- He's completely lost without me
After- Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before- Time stood still
After- This relationship is going nowhere

Before- You look so seductive in black
After- Your clothes are so depressing

Before- Oysters
After- Fishsticks

Before- I can hardly believe we found each other
After- I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

Before- Passion
After- Ration

Before- Once upon a time
After- The end

Five-25-Win

Two Singh brothers meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
-"Chickens, eh ?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
-"Heck" ,says the guy with the bag, "if in case you guess right, I’ll give you both of them."
The other Singh scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
********************
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
-I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.
-What do you mean?
Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
********************
It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. So she went to the coke machine and put her money in, and a coke came out, so she kept putting money in it. Since it was a hot day a line had formed behind her. Finally the man behind her said:
-Will you hurry up we're all hot and thirsty!!!
The blonde turned around and said:
-No way. I'm still winning.

Catch-WIFE-High

-What is the difference between a Cricketer and a Condom?
-Cricketer drops the catch, and a Condom catchs the drops.
********************
Husband ask:
-Do you know meaning of WIFE - Without Information Fighting Everytime !
Wife replies:
-It means - With Idiot For Ever !
********************
Teacher: George can you count up to 5?
Jimmy: Counts up to 5 slowly using his Fingers
Teacher: Good, now can you count any higher?
Jimmy: Climbs up on his chair and counts five again using his fingers.

Ads

"Four-poster bed, 0 years old. Perfect for antique lover "
********************
"Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 "
********************
"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it "
********************
"For Sale - Diamonds $20; microscopes $5 "
********************
"Used Cars - Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! "

Stupid Questions

At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: -Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: -No it wont. It will just bleed.
********************
You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: -Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: -Gosh, it's a miracle...it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
********************
At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question: -Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: -Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here.

Devil-Talk-Vase

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away.
Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell. When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil’s screen was black. Satan says, "How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!"
Then one person in Hell says, "No, Jesus Saves."
********************
-Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
-Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers
********************
Once on a Friday, two women were sitting and talking. Then one woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand. She said:
-There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.
Her friend promptly replied:
-Don't you have a vase?

Colour-Work-Zebra

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colours do you have?
********************
-Whom are you working for?
-Same people. My wife and four kids.
********************
A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place and shouts:
-Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra crossing there?
The guy replies:
- Let the zebra cross. What can I do ?!

Radio-Mummy-Hands

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Johnny:Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.
********************
Johnny: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Johnny:Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
********************
Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight
oranges in the other, what would I have?
Johnny: Big hands!

Reasons...

Reasons why you should be allowed to get drunk at work:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Smoking-Fixed-Pizza

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
********************
On a Plumbers truck : "We repair what your husband fixed."
********************
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Stranger-Blonde-Train

Never ask a stranger about a girl unless you are sure that he is not her father.
********************
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered:
-I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.
-Oh Dear! - the doctor exclaimed in disbelief -But, what happened to your other ear ?
-The jerk called back!
********************
Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks.
The first blonde says:
-They're deer tracks.
The second blonde says:
-They're bear tracks.
The third blonde says:
-They're moose tracks.
Then a train hits them...

Pretty-God-doG :)

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think,Peter?
Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
********************
Peter: Mom, does God use our bathroom ?
Mother: No, Peter. Why ?
Peter: Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells - "Oh god,are you still there?"
********************
-If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
-The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Girl-Boy-Girl

Girl : Say you love me! Say you love me !
Boy : You love me...
********************
Girl : I love you and I could die for you !
Boy : How soon ?
********************
Girl : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night ?
Boy : What time was it ?

Stupid-Cactus-Cigar

-Father, listen to me - you are still young and stupid.
********************
Two balloons flying in the sky. At once the one says:
-Look sharp - cactusssssssssssssssssssssss...........
-I sawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
********************
Lord John says his underling:
-James, bring my grand piano here.
-Shall you play?
-No, I've forgotten my cigar on him.

Ninja-Photoshop-Health

-Who are you?
-I'm a ninja.
-But why are you so slow?
-I'm a turtle-ninja.
********************
Doctor is looking at a radiograph:
-Yes... Two cracked ribs, broken collar-bone... Don't worry! Everything can be repaired with a Photoshop.
********************
The red wine is useful for the health. The health is necessary to drink watery.

Discover-Sign-FastFood

Teacher says:
-Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria:
-Here it is.
Teacher:
-Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class:
-Maria.
********************
Teacher:
-Why are you late, Jimmy?
Jimmy:
-Because of the sign.
Teacher:
-What sign?
Jimmy:
-The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
********************
What is a chineese fast food?
A cup with rice and a big spoon.

Laptop-1024-CPU

The cultured people didn't eat in front of their computers - they token their laptop in the kitchen.
********************
Two programers talking at the end of the day:
-Can you borrow me 1000 $?
-Can you round off 1024$?
********************
Windows message:
"CPU not found. Software emulation"

License-Dust-Meat

Two skeletons decidet to drive a car. But when the skeletons get inside the car, the one get out and come back after a few minutes with his gravestone. The other asked him:
-What will you do with your gravestone ?
-A a a, I didn't drive without a driving license.
********************
Boss have words with his new secretary:
-How can you clean the dust from my desk. I've written so much important tphone number...
********************
Winnie the pooh asked piglet:
-What kind of chicks do you like - blonds or brunnete?
-I like vegetarian.

More-Microsoft-Shark

-What is the different between the condom and the parachute?
-When the parachute became tear - one man less. But when the condom became tear - one man more.
********************
One man wanted to become a famous writer. When his friends asked him what does he mean by 'famous writer' he answered
-I want my works to be read by many people, and when they read them to become so exited so they would scream and cry !
And this man has achieved his dream. Now he is working for Microsoft, writng error messages...
********************
-Captain, there is a split on shipboard!
-How do you know?
-There is a shark into the pool.

Keep-Stuped-van Dam

What is the main problem of the users of Jonnie Walker ?
-Keep walking.
********************
Two blonded women playing shah.
-Basket - says the one.
-You are so stuped. This is not football.
********************
-Nice to meet you - Bond. James Bond.
-Me too - Dam. van Dam. Clod van Dam. Jan Clod van Dam.

Read-Shop-Right

-I'll write a book.
-Why?
-Because I haven't got what to read.
********************
In a shop for alcohol:
-Two big watery for eldery at 0,7l and one small for kids at 0,2l
********************
-How do you call human without a left ear, left eye, left leg and left arm?
-All right!

Women-Football-Bad

Doctor is asking the patient:
-Do you smoke?
-Yes.
-Do you drink alcohol?
-Yes.
-And what do you want?
-Only women.
********************
The football match between Holland and Colombia was stopped, because at the half-time, the hollands have smoke the grass and the colombians have narcotize all lines at the stadion.
********************
What is the different between the good and the bad student ?
-The parents whale the bad student and the good student - his classmates.

Shoes-Perfect-Remember

On drinker was walking along the street. He met a stranger and asked him:
-Do you drink ?
-No, why ?
-Just hold me my bottle, to do up my shoes.
********************
The perfect man didn't drink, smoke, play gambling, engage in sports and didn't exist.
********************
The marihuana causes a forgotten and one thing more, that i can't remember.

Clock-Windows-Soul

-Policeman, they have stolen my wristwatch.
-It's half past ten.
********************
Between two hackers:
-It's cold. Can you close the window?
-Of course. Alt+F4
********************
-Is there a soul without a body ?
-Yes, angel.
-And is there a body without a soul ?
-Yes, mother in law ( wife's mother )

Pets-Football-Books

Someone asking a women:
-Have you got pets?
-No, only one men.
********************
Men says his wife:
-Let make a sex-act?
-But why are you think only about sex?
-Because the football-match begins after two hours.
********************
Britney Spears and Eminem taken together have written so much books, that the never read.

Ugly-Fighter-Maths

One rabbit goes into a restaurant and asking the waiter:
-Have you got a tripe ?
-Yes.
-And have you got a trotters?
-Yes.
-And have you got a pigskin?
-Yes.
-Oh my God! You must be very ugly.
********************
What we call a real fighter?
-Blonde, who drives a car.
********************
Four mathematicians playing belote.
The first say:
-Pass
The second say:
-Heart
The third say:
-Spade
And the last say:
-Everything cosine.

One-Clown-Spit

The woman is like a beer, smells good, good loking and always only one is few.
********************
Deep into the night, a men is comming home dingy with a lipstick, fon-dio-ten , dishevelled... Her wife asking him:
-What is this?
-You can't believe. I was fighting with a clown !
********************
By the dentist:
-Spit... But why do you spit in my face ?

Irishman-Sick-Earth

The shortest british anecdote:
One irishman walking along the pub...
********************
-Man,do you feel sick ?
-No, I'm fine!
-Then why can't you keep your food down?
-Because I can't hold so much happy for myself.
********************
The hockey-players think that the Earth is like a puck.
The football-players are smarter.

Waiter-Work-Waiter

-Waiter, this wine is dreggy.
-No,it isn't the wine - he is perfect, the glass is unclear.
********************
It's better to sit in a small, smoky pub than to work in a big, lighted factory.
********************
-Waiter, I've got a fly in my soup.
-Shttt, be quiet.Don't scream. If the other customers hear you, they will also want.

Coffee-$-Bear

-Would you like coffee in bed?
-No, I want it in a cup.
********************
-Lady, what is the time?
-One hour is 50$.
********************
-Sweety, where are you ?
-I'm hunting.
-What is groaning there?
-One big bear.

Undress-Face-Sun

Adam asked Eva:
-Would you like to undress, or I should wait for the autumn?
********************
Eyewitness testifys:
-She has got a black mini-skirt, but I didn't see her face...
********************
The life at the earth is too expensive, but it includes a free trip around the sun.

Bank-Blonde-Sms

In a bank.
-Good morning, I wanna recieve a mortgage-secured loan in time of 150 years.
-Okay, your name?
-Duncan MacLeod
********************
-Why the japanese are so smart?
-They haven't got any blonde.
********************
SMS: I can't speak. I'm driving.

Strange anecdotes

You don't smoke, you saving your health.
-No, I'm going to save money for brandy
********************
-Mummy, am I an idiot?
-Idiot, I'm your father!
********************
-What is the different between the man and the vibrator ?
-The one is wintry, heartless, lacking in a sense, but for the other you need battery.

Anecdotes with animals

Which are the four favourite words of the shark ?
Man beyond the board.
********************
One horse goes into a bar and says:
-Barman, give me soda.
-Don't you wanna whisky?
-No, I'm with the cart !
********************
-Have you ever eaten a meat of kangaroo ?
-Yes, of course!
-And what would you say about it ?
-Nothing, fish like fish.

Computer Fun Part 2

Windows - AI with a woman logic
********************
I heard that some of the important servers of Microsoft are running on Linux
********************
-Hello. My printer doesn't work.
-What is the problem?
-There is a mouse stucked inside.
-Mouse?! What is the string between the mouse and the printer?
-Wait a minute. I'll send you a picture.

Computer Fun

-How to come back the past ?
-Just try ctrl+z
********************
Bil Gates got for his birthday a pistol with a note: " Press any key..."
********************
Download a book from internet - SAVE A TREE !

Every beginnig is hard...

So let's start with a first anecdote:
An airplane fly near a big town.
Tower - "Height and position?"
Pilot - "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting."

Small info for beginning ...

Hi everyone! This is my new blog - Place for fun-Place for fun. Here I'm going to post/show you a big collection of anecdotes. And now I'm going to stop with the bla-bla and to resume our subject - to make you smile, burst out laughing, make you day funny - thit's my object and the object of my blog - Place for fun - place for fun !