Five-25-Win

Two Singh brothers meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
-"Chickens, eh ?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
-"Heck" ,says the guy with the bag, "if in case you guess right, I’ll give you both of them."
The other Singh scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
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A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
-I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.
-What do you mean?
Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
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It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. So she went to the coke machine and put her money in, and a coke came out, so she kept putting money in it. Since it was a hot day a line had formed behind her. Finally the man behind her said:
-Will you hurry up we're all hot and thirsty!!!
The blonde turned around and said:
-No way. I'm still winning.

Catch-WIFE-High

-What is the difference between a Cricketer and a Condom?
-Cricketer drops the catch, and a Condom catchs the drops.
********************
Husband ask:
-Do you know meaning of WIFE - Without Information Fighting Everytime !
Wife replies:
-It means - With Idiot For Ever !
********************
Teacher: George can you count up to 5?
Jimmy: Counts up to 5 slowly using his Fingers
Teacher: Good, now can you count any higher?
Jimmy: Climbs up on his chair and counts five again using his fingers.

Ads

"Four-poster bed, 0 years old. Perfect for antique lover "
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"Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 "
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"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it "
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"For Sale - Diamonds $20; microscopes $5 "
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"Used Cars - Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! "

Stupid Questions

At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: -Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: -No it wont. It will just bleed.
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You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: -Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: -Gosh, it's a miracle...it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
********************
At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question: -Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: -Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here.

Devil-Talk-Vase

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away.
Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell. When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil’s screen was black. Satan says, "How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!"
Then one person in Hell says, "No, Jesus Saves."
********************
-Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
-Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers
********************
Once on a Friday, two women were sitting and talking. Then one woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand. She said:
-There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.
Her friend promptly replied:
-Don't you have a vase?

Colour-Work-Zebra

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colours do you have?
********************
-Whom are you working for?
-Same people. My wife and four kids.
********************
A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place and shouts:
-Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra crossing there?
The guy replies:
- Let the zebra cross. What can I do ?!

Radio-Mummy-Hands

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Johnny:Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.
********************
Johnny: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Johnny:Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
********************
Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight
oranges in the other, what would I have?
Johnny: Big hands!

Reasons...

Reasons why you should be allowed to get drunk at work:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Smoking-Fixed-Pizza

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Plumbers truck : "We repair what your husband fixed."
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Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Stranger-Blonde-Train

Never ask a stranger about a girl unless you are sure that he is not her father.
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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered:
-I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.
-Oh Dear! - the doctor exclaimed in disbelief -But, what happened to your other ear ?
-The jerk called back!
********************
Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks.
The first blonde says:
-They're deer tracks.
The second blonde says:
-They're bear tracks.
The third blonde says:
-They're moose tracks.
Then a train hits them...

Pretty-God-doG :)

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think,Peter?
Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
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Peter: Mom, does God use our bathroom ?
Mother: No, Peter. Why ?
Peter: Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells - "Oh god,are you still there?"
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-If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
-The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Girl-Boy-Girl

Girl : Say you love me! Say you love me !
Boy : You love me...
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Girl : I love you and I could die for you !
Boy : How soon ?
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Girl : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night ?
Boy : What time was it ?

Stupid-Cactus-Cigar

-Father, listen to me - you are still young and stupid.
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Two balloons flying in the sky. At once the one says:
-Look sharp - cactusssssssssssssssssssssss...........
-I sawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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Lord John says his underling:
-James, bring my grand piano here.
-Shall you play?
-No, I've forgotten my cigar on him.

Ninja-Photoshop-Health

-Who are you?
-I'm a ninja.
-But why are you so slow?
-I'm a turtle-ninja.
********************
Doctor is looking at a radiograph:
-Yes... Two cracked ribs, broken collar-bone... Don't worry! Everything can be repaired with a Photoshop.
********************
The red wine is useful for the health. The health is necessary to drink watery.

Discover-Sign-FastFood

Teacher says:
-Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria:
-Here it is.
Teacher:
-Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class:
-Maria.
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Teacher:
-Why are you late, Jimmy?
Jimmy:
-Because of the sign.
Teacher:
-What sign?
Jimmy:
-The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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What is a chineese fast food?
A cup with rice and a big spoon.

Laptop-1024-CPU

The cultured people didn't eat in front of their computers - they token their laptop in the kitchen.
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Two programers talking at the end of the day:
-Can you borrow me 1000 $?
-Can you round off 1024$?
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Windows message:
"CPU not found. Software emulation"

License-Dust-Meat

Two skeletons decidet to drive a car. But when the skeletons get inside the car, the one get out and come back after a few minutes with his gravestone. The other asked him:
-What will you do with your gravestone ?
-A a a, I didn't drive without a driving license.
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Boss have words with his new secretary:
-How can you clean the dust from my desk. I've written so much important tphone number...
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Winnie the pooh asked piglet:
-What kind of chicks do you like - blonds or brunnete?
-I like vegetarian.

More-Microsoft-Shark

-What is the different between the condom and the parachute?
-When the parachute became tear - one man less. But when the condom became tear - one man more.
********************
One man wanted to become a famous writer. When his friends asked him what does he mean by 'famous writer' he answered
-I want my works to be read by many people, and when they read them to become so exited so they would scream and cry !
And this man has achieved his dream. Now he is working for Microsoft, writng error messages...
********************
-Captain, there is a split on shipboard!
-How do you know?
-There is a shark into the pool.

Keep-Stuped-van Dam

What is the main problem of the users of Jonnie Walker ?
-Keep walking.
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Two blonded women playing shah.
-Basket - says the one.
-You are so stuped. This is not football.
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-Nice to meet you - Bond. James Bond.
-Me too - Dam. van Dam. Clod van Dam. Jan Clod van Dam.

Read-Shop-Right

-I'll write a book.
-Why?
-Because I haven't got what to read.
********************
In a shop for alcohol:
-Two big watery for eldery at 0,7l and one small for kids at 0,2l
********************
-How do you call human without a left ear, left eye, left leg and left arm?
-All right!

Women-Football-Bad

Doctor is asking the patient:
-Do you smoke?
-Yes.
-Do you drink alcohol?
-Yes.
-And what do you want?
-Only women.
********************
The football match between Holland and Colombia was stopped, because at the half-time, the hollands have smoke the grass and the colombians have narcotize all lines at the stadion.
********************
What is the different between the good and the bad student ?
-The parents whale the bad student and the good student - his classmates.

Shoes-Perfect-Remember

On drinker was walking along the street. He met a stranger and asked him:
-Do you drink ?
-No, why ?
-Just hold me my bottle, to do up my shoes.
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The perfect man didn't drink, smoke, play gambling, engage in sports and didn't exist.
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The marihuana causes a forgotten and one thing more, that i can't remember.

Clock-Windows-Soul

-Policeman, they have stolen my wristwatch.
-It's half past ten.
********************
Between two hackers:
-It's cold. Can you close the window?
-Of course. Alt+F4
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-Is there a soul without a body ?
-Yes, angel.
-And is there a body without a soul ?
-Yes, mother in law ( wife's mother )

Pets-Football-Books

Someone asking a women:
-Have you got pets?
-No, only one men.
********************
Men says his wife:
-Let make a sex-act?
-But why are you think only about sex?
-Because the football-match begins after two hours.
********************
Britney Spears and Eminem taken together have written so much books, that the never read.

Ugly-Fighter-Maths

One rabbit goes into a restaurant and asking the waiter:
-Have you got a tripe ?
-Yes.
-And have you got a trotters?
-Yes.
-And have you got a pigskin?
-Yes.
-Oh my God! You must be very ugly.
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What we call a real fighter?
-Blonde, who drives a car.
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Four mathematicians playing belote.
The first say:
-Pass
The second say:
-Heart
The third say:
-Spade
And the last say:
-Everything cosine.

One-Clown-Spit

The woman is like a beer, smells good, good loking and always only one is few.
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Deep into the night, a men is comming home dingy with a lipstick, fon-dio-ten , dishevelled... Her wife asking him:
-What is this?
-You can't believe. I was fighting with a clown !
********************
By the dentist:
-Spit... But why do you spit in my face ?

Irishman-Sick-Earth

The shortest british anecdote:
One irishman walking along the pub...
********************
-Man,do you feel sick ?
-No, I'm fine!
-Then why can't you keep your food down?
-Because I can't hold so much happy for myself.
********************
The hockey-players think that the Earth is like a puck.
The football-players are smarter.

Waiter-Work-Waiter

-Waiter, this wine is dreggy.
-No,it isn't the wine - he is perfect, the glass is unclear.
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It's better to sit in a small, smoky pub than to work in a big, lighted factory.
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-Waiter, I've got a fly in my soup.
-Shttt, be quiet.Don't scream. If the other customers hear you, they will also want.

Coffee-$-Bear

-Would you like coffee in bed?
-No, I want it in a cup.
********************
-Lady, what is the time?
-One hour is 50$.
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-Sweety, where are you ?
-I'm hunting.
-What is groaning there?
-One big bear.

Undress-Face-Sun

Adam asked Eva:
-Would you like to undress, or I should wait for the autumn?
********************
Eyewitness testifys:
-She has got a black mini-skirt, but I didn't see her face...
********************
The life at the earth is too expensive, but it includes a free trip around the sun.

Bank-Blonde-Sms

In a bank.
-Good morning, I wanna recieve a mortgage-secured loan in time of 150 years.
-Okay, your name?
-Duncan MacLeod
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-Why the japanese are so smart?
-They haven't got any blonde.
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SMS: I can't speak. I'm driving.

Strange anecdotes

You don't smoke, you saving your health.
-No, I'm going to save money for brandy
********************
-Mummy, am I an idiot?
-Idiot, I'm your father!
********************
-What is the different between the man and the vibrator ?
-The one is wintry, heartless, lacking in a sense, but for the other you need battery.

Anecdotes with animals

Which are the four favourite words of the shark ?
Man beyond the board.
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One horse goes into a bar and says:
-Barman, give me soda.
-Don't you wanna whisky?
-No, I'm with the cart !
********************
-Have you ever eaten a meat of kangaroo ?
-Yes, of course!
-And what would you say about it ?
-Nothing, fish like fish.

Computer Fun Part 2

Windows - AI with a woman logic
********************
I heard that some of the important servers of Microsoft are running on Linux
********************
-Hello. My printer doesn't work.
-What is the problem?
-There is a mouse stucked inside.
-Mouse?! What is the string between the mouse and the printer?
-Wait a minute. I'll send you a picture.

Computer Fun

-How to come back the past ?
-Just try ctrl+z
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Bil Gates got for his birthday a pistol with a note: " Press any key..."
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Download a book from internet - SAVE A TREE !

Every beginnig is hard...

So let's start with a first anecdote:
An airplane fly near a big town.
Tower - "Height and position?"
Pilot - "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting."

Small info for beginning ...

Hi everyone! This is my new blog - Place for fun-Place for fun. Here I'm going to post/show you a big collection of anecdotes. And now I'm going to stop with the bla-bla and to resume our subject - to make you smile, burst out laughing, make you day funny - thit's my object and the object of my blog - Place for fun - place for fun !