Idiots Part1

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH

1.I'm hungry = I'm hungry
2.I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
3.I'm tired = I'm tired
4.Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5.I love you = Let's have sex now
6.I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
7.What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
8.I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
9.May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
10.Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually ike to have sex with you
11.Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
12. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
13.Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys
14.You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in
the next ten minutes
15.Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
16.I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Is my ass fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
9. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
10. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
11. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
12. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
13. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
14. You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
15. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
16. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
17. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
18. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
19. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not
going to like

One day, a boy named Tom got on a very crowded bus.
Sitting opposite him was a fat lady who said:
-If you were a polite young man, you'd et someone sit down.
-If you were a polite lady..., replied Tom , ...you'd let FOUR people sit down!

You are Indian if...

You are Indian if...

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like, tshick, tshick, tschick, tschick.
4. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
5. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think its normal.
6. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark up.
7. You recycle Wedding Gifts.
8. You name your children in rhythms (example, Honey & Money, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam.)
9. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
10. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"
11. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
12. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
13. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
14. Your parents tell you to not care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles And Aunties" will think.
15. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions, which never happen.
16. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
17. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
18. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
19. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars,varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).
20. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
21. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
22. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
23. You majored in engineering, medicine or law and now........are after Software and only Software no matter which field you belong to.
24. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer it that way).
25. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
26. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
27. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
28. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus,train or plane.
29. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
30. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
31. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
32. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."
33. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
34. Your parents don't realise phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
35. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them away from getting dirty.
36. When dining out, you think Rs 10 is enough of a tip.
37. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
38. You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.
39. You treat the NRI persons (especially from America) as if they are the only persons living in this world (including YOU).
40. You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.
41. All your tupperware is stained with food color.
42. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
43. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
44. You have really enjoyed reading this mail.